Honest Toddler

Raising a toddler can be oh so fun, but at times oh so frustrating!  If you are raising a toddler, you must check out this blog.  It is well written, hilarious and really makes you think, "I wonder if my child thinks like this?"

Here is just one excerpt that I find utterly amusing!!  I'm sure Lottie is on the same page as HT on this one!

Recipes

Dear mommy & daddy,

I recently read somewhere (I think the Bible) that you can’t blame ignorant for being ignorant if you refuse to help them stop being so ignorant. With that thought in mind, I’ve decided to write down a few recipes to make mealtimes easier for all of us.

Both of you seem to be confused concerning what a “meal” is. Meals aren’t supposed to be punishment, they are supposed to be delicious. Do you understand? Please let me know if I’m going to fast or blowing your mind open.

Dinnertime is hard for all of us and I know why: you have terrible recipes. I’ve compiled several of my favorites below. Please print them out and put them on a fridge using a magnet. When it’s time for cooking, follow it and don’t get creative.

Honest Toddler Approved Recipes

1. Toast with Butter

Hold on to your seat! This is a yummy one!!

Step 1: Find an unbroken piece of perfect bread with no rips.

Step 2: Put in toaster. Don’t get distracted by a Facebook fight you have no business participating in.

Step 3: When toast pops out, INSPECT IT. Is it a uniform golden brown color? Is it still intact? If not, return to Step 1.

Step 4. Butter toast liberally.

Step 5: Ask toddler how he or she would like toast prepared or cut. Don’t make assumptions. You don’t know anything about anything.

Step 6: Serve toast.

Step 7: Has toddler changed their mind about toast? Does toddler want cut up toast to be whole again? Repair toast with your mind. If you’re not powerful enough, return to Step 1 AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES DON’T BE LAZY

2. Pasta with Butter

Mmmmmm! This is will be a hit every time!

Step 1: Make pasta on the stove using a pot and steam or smoke.

Step 2: Put pasta in a toddler-approved small bowl.

Step 3: Put in lots of butter. Don’t be shy or cheap.

Step 4: Mix it up properly.

Step 5: Blow until it’s the right temperature. We will be very angry if it’s too hot. VERY ANGRY.

Step 6: Do we have juice?

Step 7: Resist the urge to add spices or parmesan cheese which is not actual cheese but very small flakes of dry cheese and disgusting. If there is something wrong in your head and you try to add a puree of garbanzo beans or nutritional yeast you are not ready to be a parent.

Step 8: Serve pasta.

Step 9: Accept graciously that your toddler may no longer be hungry or may want toast (*see recipe above).

3. Crackers and Cheese

Step 1: Find an appropriate box of crackers. Ritz and Saltines are both OK. Crackers with visible seeds are NOT.

Step 2: Select 7-8 unbroken crackers. Place them on a plate.

Step 3: Select a normal, non-artisan cheese like mild cheddar. Cut squares that are all the same shape.

Don’t let cracker crumbs stick to the cheese. Please take some pride in your work.

Step 4: Serve with juice in front of shows.

4. Cereal

Step 1: Find a good cereal. Good cereals have pieces that are all the same (ie. not granola). If you are a wonderful parent, you own a cereal like Corn Pops.

Step 2: Put cereal in a toddler-approved bowl. Ask the toddler before pouring if the bowl is OK.

Step 3: Ask the toddler if he or she would like milk.

Step 4: Pour milk.

Step 5: Serve cereal.

Step 6: After toddler has eaten 1-2 bites, throw away cereal without sighing or having a bad attitude.

Step 7: Pour 1 cup or dry cereal into a ziploc bag.

Step 8: Give to toddler to eat around the house and in front of shows.

–

Congratulations! Now you know how to cook for that special toddler in your home. Remember, the kitchen is not your personal science laboratory wherein family members are forced to consume your failed results.

That’s pretty selfish, no?

If you get confused about cooking, ask grandma. She has many good recipes including but not limited to chicken nuggets.

I love you. xoxo HT

PS. Cake.

 

A Must Read For Those of You Raising a Toddler or For Those Who Just Need a Laugh

Honest Toddler

A Costume Only A Man Would Choose

Last week Steve went out for a couple of beers and food with a friend after work.  He just so happened to be close to a Party City and with Halloween around the corner decided to check out potential costumes for Lottie this year. 

My guess is he had a few too many beers because this is what Steve came home with.............

Lil Vampire / Bat Costume

The costume includes:

• Headband
• Choker
• Wings
• Vampire dress
• Glovelettes

All I could do is laugh.  When I envision a costume for a 20 month old girl, I envision a cute, cuddly animal, a princess, a cowgirl, a Disney character even - NOT a vampire / bat costume!

In any event, since my sister was in town last weekend, we decided to give it a try.  OH MY is all I can say.  Between the dress, choker and the "glovelettes", she looked like a mini streetwalker.  Ridiculous! 

Thankfully, Steve said he only spent $5 on the costume so no money was "really" thrown down the drain.

I'm telling you, you just never know with Steve!  Sometimes he can be such a rock star when it comes to picking out clothing/shoes for Lottie.  But other times, I just shake my head wondering what the heck goes through that head of his sometimes!!  As always though, he tries and by golly spoils Lottie to death in the process! 

Greek Fest / Lottie's First Ride

This past weekend, we met friends in Dilworth and walked to the Greek Festival.  Between all of us, we enjoyed Gyros, Greek Fries, Spanakopita, Baklava, Honey Drizzled Donuts, Baklava Sundae and little powdered sugar cookies!  DELISH! 

After overindulging, we walked over to the kid's side of the festival where they had face painting, snow cones, kiddie rides, etc.  Lottie did a lot of pointing at the rides but when it came down to it, she was a little unsure about actually getting on them. 

Jeanette is a big kid who LOVES rides.  She was overly excited to take Lottie on her first ride.  After checking out all of the rides, we decided the swings might be the best option since she already loves swings and there was NO spinning and craziness involved.  After the first couple of times around, Lottie started loosening up and really started enjoying it.  Sure enough though, as soon as she started enjoying it, the ride was over.  I went and got a few more tickets for one more ride around w/ me.  Of course, this go around, she cried when I put her back on the swing (mini melt down).  Melt down or not, we were getting back on the swings - I mean I know I did not just pay for more tickets not to use them (it's the frugalness in me!)  Sorry Lottie!  You'll soon learn this about your mama!  :)

The scowl/uncertainty look

Getting into it now

Wind through the hair - loving it

We are scowling again

Picking up pace again

 

We also tried putting Lottie on the little train they had.  She sat there for a couple of minutes fine, but it took too long for the train to get going and Lottie got scared.  Had the conductor started the train right after I put her on it, she would have loved it, I'm sure. 

All in all the Greek Fest was a success.  We ate way too much food and I got one last sunburn (not so successful) - dang it was hot!

Miss Independent

Pretty sure I missed the memo that said between 18 and 19 months old, my child would become Miss Independent.

Every day I pick her up from day care, she asks to drive (hold my keys) and refuses to hold my hand as we walk to the car.  If I attempted to carry her to the car, I had better prepare myself for world's worst melt down.  She has decided that she is officially a big girl, can walk to the car on her own and doesn't need me to steer her there. 

This past Sunday, we took her to the Panther's home opener against the Saints.  We tailgated with our tailgating buddies, then walked to the stadium.  Lottie of course was determined to walk the whole way.  I thought for sure that after 10 minutes of walking, she would be worn out and asked to be held, but NO, she walked through the crowds (holding my hand) to the stadium and up the ramp (not holding my hand) to our seats.  The only time I carried her were up the steps to walk into the stadium and up the steps to our seats.  The girl LOVES to walk and wasn't tired or give out whatsoever.  Thankfully we started walking to the stadium around 12:15 p.m. b/c it took us until 12:45 p.m. or so until we actually got to our seats to sit down.  The girl may LOVE to walk, but dang she is slow!  :)

Lottie did great at the game!  It was a much different experience than taking her last year when she was 8/9 months old.  She was clapping and dancing along w/ the Top Cats.  She sat like a big girl in her seat, snacking on fruit snacks and chugging Gatorade (disaster - all down the front of her).  Unfortunately we got a little wet, but Lottie didn't mind.  She loves the rain!

Big Girl - she loves Brats!  Who would've thought?

That face.........

I guess at this stage, I can't help wondering what happened to my little baby?  I mean she was just born last year.  But having said that, we are having so much fun right now!  I can't wait for some of the upcoming outings we have planned to take her to in the fall! 

Relish the Charms of The Present

you will never have this day

with your children again.

tomorrow, they'll be a little

older than they were today.

this day is a gift.

breathe and notice.

smell and touch them;

study their faces

and little feet and pay attention.

RELISH THE CHARMS

of THE PRESENT.

enjoy today, mama.

it will be over before you know it.

-jen hatmaker

The Redneck Zoo

So, do you remember a couple of weeks ago when my sister kept Lottie for the weekend while Steve and I attended a wedding in Charleston?  During that time, my sister took Lottie to Waccatee Zoo (only a few minutes from her house) and exclaimed what a great place it was and how much Lottie loved it. 

Being as I had a couple of extra days off work with the DNC in town, I stayed an extra day at my sister's house and decided to revisit this zoo my sister kept going on about. 

Let me just start by saying that I have never seen ANYTHING like this place in my life.  It was the MOST redneck zoo (not sure they should even be calling this place a zoo) Steve and I have ever seen.  Immediately when we pulled up, Steve and I looked at one another and said, "Where the heck are we?"  That was before we even got out of the car. 

The cost was $9.00 for Adults and $4.00 for kids.  For a large bag of peanuts which my sister insisted on us getting was $6.00 (mind you the peanuts were in a zip lock freezer bag). 

The only real way to describe this place is through photos.  It is RUN DOWN.  They have old plastic kid's toys that they've thrown in the cages for the animals to "play" with.  And they've got this one eyed dog they keep caged up that all the rednecks point to saying how cute he is.....He's got ONE EYE and the MANGE people!!  These poor animals are fed peanuts and hay all day - must be the worst diet ever!  And towards the end of our walk we saw an alligator, but being as it was SC and the reddest zoo ever, I'm not sure whether that gator was meant to be there or he just happened to show up. 

The best part - they've got some INBRED animals - that's right, a ZONKEY (Zebra & Donkey)

R.I.P. Bubba

Another strange inbred donkey and horse combo!  He had some major insecurites and hid his face the majority of the time.

 

Classic example - he managed to get a plastic playhouse in his cage!

Yep - that's a VERY large black bear in a VERY small cage - so sad!

The bear managed to snag a tire swing in his cage

Again, so sad to keep an animal this large in a very small area, not to mention, his neighbors are goats - how's that for a tease?

Poor Poor tiger, his neighbors were those god awful annoying monkeys!

Even the swans eat Peanuts!  Who knew?

One tired little girl could barely walk / keep her head up after a couple of hours

Last but certainly not least, the ZONKEY

That about sums up our trip to the Redneck Zoo.  The next time you are in the Garden City / Myrtle Beach area, I highly recommend you check this place out - if for nothing other than the pure shock of it all!